Napalm and Novocain
by LaraWinner
Summary: In an unhealthy relationship words can be brutal weapons and a single touch can leave scars on the surface as well as within. While lies become Novocain, both numbing and addictive, the truth is as unrelenting as Napalm. But when fate gives the right spark… That's when it's time to burn it all down. (AU, violence/domestic violence, language, mature themes.)
1. Comfortably Numb

**Napalm and Novocain **

By: Lara Winner

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Inuyasha or its characters.

_(Warning_: this story contains scenes of verbal/physical domestic violence)

* * *

It was my dirty little secret.

I poke at the sickly, purple-ish red marks on my upper arm with morbid curiosity. Half sitting, half leaning on the bathroom counter, I peer into the mirror with a wince as I prod the tender flesh. The marks are from the night before and only now beginning to darken. In a few hours they will be black and ugly.

I lift my gaze a little higher to inspect a similar bruise at the base of my throat. That one is considerably smaller. It could pass for a hickey without much notice. My arm, however, will have to be covered by clothing. It looks too much like a hand print and even habitually clumsy girls only walk into door frames so many times.

A small voice in the back my mind laughs snidely. _Soon they'll see through you and then they'll know the truth…_

What is the truth? I can't remember the defining moment when everything became a lie. For too long I've hidden behind my smile. Those who believe they know me only see what I allow them to see and in these moments when I am left to face my own reflection it frightens the hell out of me.

Who is the empty shell looking back at me?

I know the face well enough. Wide gray eyes, pert nose, pouting lips and peaches and cream skin. I'm no beauty or anything but I suppose I'd pass for attractive. If I smile just right my features light up. But the truth? The truth remains in my eyes. I can't quite get the vacant look out of them.

So that's who Kagome Higurashi is… a lie. No more real than her smile that fools everyone.

There are small measures of truth. I make good grades in college, I love to read, I have plenty friends… all simple little distinctions that are almost like accessories to a personality that should be easy to decipher. But underneath my carefully pristine image there is only chaos and pain.

I don't share those nasty little truths. They are mine and I hold them tightly, a measure of cold comfort when I find myself alone with only that awful, seeping emptiness to keep me company.

Unfortunately, now is not the time for a minor breakdown. The day is just beginning and my first class starts in little over an hour. Almost reluctantly I reach for the compact beside me and began to apply the ivory base to my bruised skin with a skilled hand. Other cosmetics follow and in a matter of moments the image of a prefect stranger stares back at me.

She smiles.

* * *

We're riding in his car. Inuyasha's amber gaze remains fixed on the road ahead as I stare out of the passenger side window. I pay no mind to the low humming of the engine echoing in the otherwise silent car. My thoughts are as far away as the twinkling stars that dust the evening sky.

I guess that with anyone else the stifling quiet would be tense and a bit awkward, but Inuyasha and I are beyond such casual pretenses.

We have a past. It wasn't much, mostly a one-sided obsession that I offhandedly refer to as my first crush. It's something I can laugh about now that I'm older and able to look back on the years gone by for what they are, even if residual feelings are still there.

That desperate need I had once felt for Inuyasha has changed. I'm no longer smitten. It's something else now, something I don't know how to come to terms with.

A tired sigh escapes me, drawing a side long glance from Inuyasha. I know he's confused as to why I called him earlier and asked him to take me for a ride anywhere, just as long as I could get out of Dad's house.

We haven't spoken since he picked me up. I'll talk when I'm ready, he knows that, and he won't barrage me with questions because that's just not his style. It's sort of ironic how comfortable I feel with him when he's part of the turmoil I need to escape. Then again, he knows me as well as another person can. In every way possible.

But a lot has happened in the last six years. A lot has changed.

The passing street lights glitter off the small sapphire ring on my finger. I twist it, watching the play of sparkles as that lost feeling engulfs me once more. I'm not sure what I'm trying to prove. My boyfriend Suikotsu would absolutely freak if he knew I was with Inuyasha right now, especially after I deliberately used studying for my upcoming mid-terms as an excuse not to see him tonight.

The ring was his gift. Suikotsu gave it to me just last month on the eve of our two year anniversary. It should have been a token of love but I suspect it's more to make up for the heated argument we'd had the night before. He seems to think buying trinkets can make up for his horrible temper and the cruel things he says and does. The damn ring has felt like a weight ever since he slipped it on my finger.

I know it's my own fault for agreeing to wear it. But all the discontent in the world doesn't give me the courage to destroy all of my carefully built illusions.

Forcing that thought away I look back at my companion. Not for the first time I absorb the drastic contrast between Inuyasha and Suikotsu.

For starters Inuyasha, being a hanyou, has an untamed look about him. His shock of silver hair is messy despite being pulled back, one of his furry ears is pierced with a sliver hoop while there's a piercing in his tongue as well and he always manages to looks like he's just rolled out of bed after a night of rough sex. As usual he's dressed in a faded t-shirt, scruffy jeans and his well-worn leather jacket. For being a self-proclaimed bad ass his overall appearance fits the part remarkably well. In the dim light of the car I catch a peek of a tattoo rising just above the collar of his t-shirt on the backside of his neck.

Suikotsu, on the other hand, is anything but rough around the edges. He's a doctor in the first year of his residency and coming from old money, his style reflects his wealthy upbringing. Ever polite and cultured, it only adds to his charm that he is handsome with understated good looks that mesh very well with his preppy flair. And he is human through and through. There's no doubt about which one of them my father prefers.

"You're staring."

Inuyasha's soft chuckle brakes the stillness between us and I look away, a light blush staining my cheeks. "I was just thinking," I mutter.

When I don't elaborate he needles, "About…?"

I glance back and smirk. "That to look at us we make quite an odd pair."

And it is true. If Inuyasha wasn't my older brother Miroku's roommate and lifelong friend we would never have socialized in the same circles. He's a metal punk and I'm a yuppie wanna-be. Talk about strange bed fellows.

"Keh, I guess," he shrugs, as if he's never considered that before. "You know, you come up with the weirdest shit sometimes."

"Whatever," I roll my eyes, turning back to the window once more.

It's his turn to smirk. "So do you have a destination in mind or am I going to waste a tank of gas? That crap is expensive."

"Go wherever you want. I just needed to get out of the house," I sigh, "I'm sorry to bother you. I know you have better things to do than baby-sit me."

"Nah. If it was a problem I'd tell you."

And Inuyasha would because he's painfully honest like that. It's one of the things I lo- like about him. If only I could be half as honest with myself then maybe I wouldn't be under so much pressure.

"I'm thinking of transferring colleges," I blurt out abruptly, diving into one of the many decisions I'd been pondering lately. The safest one.

"You're almost through with your second year. It took you this long to figure out you don't like the university?" He asks incredulously.

"It's not the school itself. I think I need to leave here for a while. I've been thinking of transferring far away."

His eyes narrow. "Exactly how far away?"

"A different continent maybe," I admit.

This time Inuyasha's laugh is sardonic. "Okay don't you think that's a bit much?"

Again I look at the unassuming ring and it glints cheerily back at me. Do I really have the guts to run away? Probably not. I liked to think a fresh start would be the answer to the hollowness I feel eating away at me. But more than likely it will only be another distraction and the novelty of my new surroundings won't last long. Soon enough I'll be miserably homesick.

"Sometimes I just wish I could disappear," I reply softly.

Inuyasha glances at me again, frowning, "What's gotten into you lately? You've been all gloom and doom and crap. You need to snap out of it."

All my perfectly built illusions…

"Doesn't everyone think about new beginnings now and again?" I quip, forcing a light tone, knowing there are some things I can't bring myself to tell him.

"Well yeah but… what the hell do you have to complain about? You're the only person I know that's got their shit together. Believe me. I don't mind being your sounding board when you need to vent but you've got the perfect set up. I mean, fuck Kagome, enjoy it."

I level his profile with a tolerant look. "You know nothing is ever perfect."

"Ahh," he says with a knowing nod of his head, "I got it now. You and money-bags had another fight."

"Money-bags" is Inuyasha's favorite dig for Suikotsu and I ignore it as usual. "I really don't want to talk about him right now."

"Fair enough." He falls silent for a long moment but when he speaks again his voice holds a note of envy, "At least your relationship is better off than mine. I swear Kikyou is gonna be the death of me."

Of course he just has to mention _her_. Another reminder of how childish I am to cling to the past. The sapphire twinkles and another piece of my heart goes numb.

"You two are made for each other," I quote, repeating what Miroku seems to think. "I'm sure you'll work things out."

"Yeah yeah yeah," He grouses.

Since Inuyasha seems to expect it, I smile, but it never reaches my eyes.

* * *

The dance music is loud and the base thrums through my chest like a second heartbeat. I hold back the urge to cough from the strange sensation but remain in close proximity to the large speakers all the same. It's a convenient excuse not to have to talk to anyone since the music would be too loud to hear them.

It's Miroku's birthday. His long time girlfriend Sango along with a few of their friends have pooled finances and rented a beach house for the weekend to celebrate his twenty-third birthday with a killer party. Being his sister, I was obliged to attend.

The entire living room is converted into a dance floor with the sound system set up in front of the fire place. From where I stand I watch the throng of writhing bodies with little interest.

Taking a sip of the red liquid in my plastic cup, my nose wrinkles. The concoction is supposed to be some sort of fruit punch but I taste more alcohol than anything else. The feeling of uneasiness curling in my gut tightens painfully and I take another liberal swallow hoping to take the edge off.

I have no reason to be nervous. I know all of Miroku's close friends and a few of our cousins have shown up as well. While there are also many people I don't recognize no one seems to be paying me much attention. I should have been in a festive mood ready to mingle and have fun, but the truth is I'm wishing I could be anywhere else at the moment.

A warm touch comes to rest on my shoulder, long slim fingers curling around to caress the side of my neck in an intimately possessive gesture. I don't look up at Suikotsu. Instead I notice he's nursing a newly refilled bourbon and seven. That would make it number three. He's just getting started.

I feel him lean closer and then his lips press a soft kiss to my temple. Through the corner of my eye I catch Sango's knowing smirk.

There's only a moment of panic, where it flares to a fine peak almost consuming me, and then it's gone leaving only that blissful numbness that seems to fester within me. Smiling, I lean into his side and forced my stiff muscles to relax.

It's not long until he nudges me to get my attention and motions with his drink for me to follow. Ever the obedient girlfriend, I comply. He leads me through the kitchen and out the side door onto the deck that overlooks the ocean. Outside the night air is cool in comparison to the body heat indoors. A gentle breeze goes right through my thin summer dress and I shiver.

"Are you cold baby?" His voice is smooth as velvet.

I shrug, "A little."

He laughs huskily and leans down to whisper in my ear. "We can take a walk down to the cove and I could warm you up."

His lips brush my skin sending a tingle all the way down to my toes. The traitorous tingle turns into a pulse of heat as he slides his hand to the small of my back, down the curve of my hip and back up again.

Suikotsu smirks triumphantly, as if knowing I'm losing the battle before it even begins. "I doubt anyone will miss us."

I turn to him, knowing better than to trust his charming smile. I want to deny him. I want to so badly… but my heart thumps and my breath stutters as his fingers knead my hip. I weaken under his cinnamon stare, my body's betrayal sapping my resistance. "Alright."

"Good girl," He says, far more smug than he has any right to be.

I bristle but my scathing retort remains unspoken as Suikotsu leans in close for a thorough kiss. His hand tangles in my hair holding my head just right so I can not pull away. He nibbles at my bottom lip until they part and takes the kiss a step further as my body reacts with a mind of its own and curves closer to his.

Even though my blood hums with sexual energy there is a small part of me, deep down in the shadows of my being, that he will never be able to reach and it mocks me keeping me from completely losing myself to the cheap thrill of his touch.

I could forgive myself if there was honesty here but when he touches me like this it's rarely Suikotsu I'm thinking of. Another little white lie…

"Oi, can't you two get a room! There's plenty upstairs!"

The sarcastic shout has me jerking back with a mortified blush as everyone within hearing range turns to look at us.

Suikotsu curses, casting a murderous scowl over my shoulder. "No one is forcing you to watch Inuyasha," He snaps, adding under his breath, "Dickhead…"

"And I sure as hell don't want a free show so why don't you take it somewhere else." Inuyasha mouths back.

I take a large gulp of my spiked juice before turning to face Inuyasha. He winks at me. I know he's teasing me and trying to piss off Suikotsu in the process, and it works. Suikotsu is fuming. Not a good combination when added to the fact that he's been drinking. I start to tell Inuyasha to leave well enough alone but just then Kikyou appears looping her arm in his, stealing his attention.

Just that quickly I'm forgotten. A pang of bitterness twists my heart before I seek a fitting distraction. Taking Suikotsu's hand I grin at him impishly, "How about we take that walk now?"

* * *

Sometime later Suikotsu and I make our way back to the house. I'm still shaking sand out from uncomfortable places as we approach the steps that lead up to the deck. A quick glance tells me that we are both hopelessly rumpled and anyone with half a brain will give an educated guess as to why.

We didn't have sex. Despite Suikotsu's cajoling I'm not about to do that on a beach where anyone could happen upon us. Still, we'd done just enough to keep a contented smile on his face and the private romp also allowed time for the alcohol to wear off a bit.

I'm not about to lecture him on drinking. I've made that mistake once before and it's not something I intend do again. So instead I use other methods to try and keep him mellow. If it helps me from having to deal with a mean drunk later then it's well worth the effort.

But I'm tired. It's mentally exhausting trying to constantly stay one step ahead of him just so I can avoid these horrible arguments. One day I'll get the courage to end this chimera of a perfect relationship. But I can't say when so I keep telling myself tomorrow. Only problem with that is one tomorrow has turned into two and two turned into a month and that month will eventually become another year that I will never get back.

I've asked myself a thousand times why I stay and every time the answer is the same. He's what I'm used to. He is someone to have because the one I long for doesn't notice me. He not always cruel. My father adores him. Everyone says we make a good pair.

But there are darker, masochistic reasons. Sometimes the pain is a thrill and other times it simply reminds me that I'm alive and I can still feel something. Maybe he's right. I deserve it. And what would everyone else think if they found out the truth? Would they call me weak for staying or would they pity me? Would I disgust them? Maybe they would blame me too.

Not that it really matters? Everyday I stay it becomes that much harder to leave. Perhaps I'm already past the point of no return.

My melancholy thoughts are interrupted the moment Sango spies me.

"Kagome where have you been?" the older girl exclaims, "I've tried looking everywhere for you. You've got to come see this. Bankoutsu brought his karaoke box and we've convinced your brother to give it a try."

Caught off guard, I blink. "Eh… Miroku's going to sing?"

"I know," Sango laughed, "Inuysaha's hunting down a video camera as we speak."

"This I have to see," Suikotsu snickers.

"Yeah no kidding," I agree.

As we follow Sango back into the house I notice that most of the crowd has thinned out while we were gone. Miroku, our cousin Bankoutsu and two guys that I recognize as Miroku's co-workers are setting up the wiring from the karaoke box to the speakers while Inuysaha is busy looking over their shoulders telling them how to do it. The girls are making themselves comfortable on the sofas and chairs scattered around the large room.

I force myself to relax as Suikotsu wraps his arms around me from behind but my nerves will not settle so easily. There is a sense of anticipation in the air. Something is going to go wrong, I can feel it.

It's hard for me to get caught up in the humor as Bankoutsu takes a turn singing first. Then Miroku lives up to his word and gives it a shot. To my surprise he isn't half bad. His voice has a soft tenor that carries well but I suspect that if he were actually sober he would sound even better.

The razing continues and several other reluctant people get coerced into giving karaoke a shot. When they turn on me I practically run for the door.

"Come on Kagome," Miroku prods, "You took choir for years. I know you can hold a tune better than half of these losers. Show them how it's done."

"I'm really not that good…"

Miroku laughs, "Sure you are. Just one song."

"I'm not doing it."

"Just one song," he repeats, being unusually pushy.

"Nope, I'm not singing," I insist wiggling against Suikotsu trying to get out of his hold and away from my tipsy brother.

"I'll sing." Suikotsu offers, a little too good naturedly in my opinion.

While it appeases my brother and his friends, I look at Suikotsu sharply trying to judge what game he's playing now. But he just flashes me a secretive smile that sets my internal warning bells ringing.

The song is simple and purposely romantic. His eyes never stray from mine as he sings and when the song ends he continues to watch me, almost expectantly.

"I love you Kagome," he says and waits for the feminine "oohs" and "awws" to quiet before he pulls a small velvet box from his pocket. It's then the pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place. Sango's knowing looks, Miroku's pestering, the tension I'd felt in the air all evening…

Grasping my hand Suikotsu flashes me a photo worthy grin, "Will you marry me?"

I can't speak. I can't even breathe. The air is literally lodged in my throat as the ground seems to fall out from beneath me. Panic nearly overwhelms me as the last ember of hope I have to ever be free seems to fade out right before my eyes.

I could say no. Theoretically it would be easy. But over twenty pairs of eyes are trained on us, waiting for my answer. If I say no they will want to know why. My father will disown me. If I deny Suikotsu not only will he be humiliated, he will be livid.

If I say no he will kill me.

In the split second it takes for those realizations to hit me with brutal force my mind is already resigned to the inevitable choice. The lies come all too easy. But will it ever stop?

Tears of frustration brim in my eyes and still I find myself whispering yes. Suikotsu beams with complete satisfaction. Our audience applauds mistaking my tears of resentment for those of happiness. As he slips the sparkling diamond onto my finger, it isn't just muted anger that consumes me. This time I feel something vital die.

* * *

"It's freakin' huge!"

The excited squeal nearly rises above the hum of the bustling campus coffee house. A table over three guys snicker and I blush beet red. "I'm glad you like my ring Eri."

"Ring? Honey that's a rock. I knew you snagged a hottie but I never realized he was that loaded. It must have cost a fortune," Yuka practically screeches.

"It belonged to his mother," I explain with noticeably less enthusiasm, "She insisted he use it for his own engagement."

"Aww Kagome, you're the first one of us to get engaged. And he serenaded you first and then asked you in front of everyone. That's so romantic." Ayumi sighs dreamily, her doe eyes sparkling.

As my three friends drool over the sparkly diamond, I sip on my mocha latte and pray to every Kami I know for patience. "I could have done without everyone watching," I admit.

"But why?" Eri asks, aghast, "That's part of what makes it so special. He wanted everyone to know how much he loves you silly."

"Maybe. But you have no idea how weird it is to have everyone staring at you waiting for you to answer," I cringe at the memory, "It was like I was cornered."

"As if you were going to say no." Yuka scoffs, "Suikotsu is the best thing that ever happened to you. Guys like him don't come along too often so you had better hold onto him with both hands."

That was the very point my father drove home at every opportunity. Of course my friends would feel that way too. My stomach tightens and I push the rest of my coffee away, suddenly feeling sick.

It feels strangely like invisible walls are closing in on me. Is Yuka right? I know things aren't how I want them to be between Suikotsu and I, but maybe it is my fault. What if I'm simply not trying hard enough? He always says I don't know when to shut up, and so he has a temper and it doesn't take much to set him off… Is that really so bad?

Still that rebellious part of me beats against those invisible walls like a madwoman, screaming and clawing; _Yes_, it says, _it's bad for you and no matter how much you lie the truth is you don't really want this. You can't let everyone else make this decision for you. They don't know the other side of him. They're not the ones he pushes around behind closed doors…_

But is the happiness I seek worth the price? Can I truly destroy the flawless "Kagome" that everyone adores? For as long as I can remember I have judged my accomplishments through the eyes of others. When have I ever broken the mold solely to please myself? It seems far too late to start now.

"If I could get Jiro to give me a ring he'd be worth keeping too," Eri jokes.

As the conversation changes direction I laugh along with Yuka and Ayumi. And if my friends notice that my smile isn't quite as bright as it should be, they don't comment.

* * *

**A.N.-** So in the true fashion of being a glutton for punishment and because I really should know better by now, I've resumed working on this story.

I started this years ago when at that time I had a co-worker who was going through an abusive relationship. She thankfully ended it before it got too bad but when we talked about it she gave me an interesting insight as to how these things happen even thought you know it's not healthy. This fic in particular is difficult to write because Kagome is a strong character and putting her in this situation while trying to keep her from becoming completely ooc is a struggle.

Worry not, the story is far from over. I am using my mother-in-law's computer to post this so don't freak out if it takes me a little while to update again. I'm saving up for a new laptop since my old one sadly passed away.


	2. Shattered Reflection

**Napalm and Novocain **

By: Lara Winner

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Inuyasha or its characters.

_(Warning_: this story contains scenes of verbal/physical domestic violence)

Chapter 2: Shattered Reflection

* * *

BANG!

"Open the fucking door!"

The door knob jiggles violently and the loud cracking sound of his fists pounding against the thick wood grows louder.

"Kagome! Open this fucking door now!"

I slide down the wall and into a huddled ball on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. Putting my hands over my ears I squeeze my eyes shut and try to block out the sound of Suikotsu's furious voice. "Please…" I whimper, "please go away… go away… please…"

"Fuck you then! You're not worth this damn shit! You hear me! You're a worthless fucking cunt!"

Another loud bang punctuates his shout before his stomping footsteps retreat. A moment later the front door slams loud enough to echo through his now quiet apartment.

I give into my relieved tears, the choking sobs wracking my small frame as I hug my knees to my chest. My cheek is still smarting where his back-handed slap hit its mark with ruthless accuracy. I wince at the metallic taste of blood in my mouth where the impact caused me to bite the inside of my lip.

I remain on the floor until there are no more tears to be shed. Then I pull myself to my feet and face my hideous reflection in the mirror. My face is puffy and my skin is red and blotchy. I poke at my cheek and hiss at the soreness.

The evening had started out well enough. We had gone to his parent's house for dinner to celebrate our engagement. Everything was fine until we had gotten in the car to return to his apartment. Suikotsu casually said that his mother was going to enjoy planning the wedding. I had laughed dryly and replied as long she remembered that it wasn't her wedding.

I'd meant it as a joke but Suikotsu hadn't taken it that way. He got defensive and then started accusing me of hating his mother. By the time we'd gotten back to his apartment he was working himself into a fine state. Only able to take so much belittling from him I'd finally snapped back that he was being unreasonable and that was when he'd shoved me into the wall and slapped me hard enough to make my jaw go numb.

I don't remember running into the bathroom or closing the door but I do remember locking it and praying that he wouldn't manage to kick the door down in his rage. Then the panic had set in. It didn't ease until I heard him leave.

Now, facing the mirror in the aftermath, the turmoil inside me explodes.

"Look at you… so pathetic!" I hiss at my pitiful reflection, "Just had to say the wrong thing didn't you? Had to get him all riled up! You're so stupid! And you take it because you're weak! You deserve it, all of it! I hate you! I HATE YOU!"

I can't catch my breath as something wild and irrational fills me with pent up rage and it is all self-directed. Lashing out I smash my fist repeatedly against the tear blotched reflection in the mirror until it gives way under my relentless assault. I relish in the sharp cracking sound and the quick pain as a shard of glass cuts into the soft flesh of my palm while the rest fall in a tinkling clamor onto the counter.

For a very long time I stand there; watching the sluggish drip of crimson splatter onto the floor while my chest heaves as I waver on the brink of hyperventilating, my mind a chaotic tumble of conflicting thoughts and feelings. There is nothing to hold onto, there is no consolation to find purchase in the torrent pulling me in opposing directions. So I drift, caught in the grips of anguish, until finally a single thought manages to pull me back into the moment. He will return soon and I sure as hell do not want to be here when he does.

I grimace at the distorted face in the cracked mirror. He's going to be pissed about this as well, but at the moment I'm more concerned about how I'm going to get home. It's too far to walk, I don't have money for a bus and I can't take the tram looking like a horror movie extra. My face is a mess, my make up is smeared and small flecks of blood dot my pale blue dress… No, it's definitely best not to take the public route.

While the cut on my palm is thankfully shallow, it's long and continues to trickle blood. Working hastily, I wrap my hand in a clean towel from under the cabinet and try to formulate an excuse. It needs to be something simple like… like… washing dishes. The glass I was cleaning broke and it cut my hand. That sort of thing happens all the time. It sounds totally plausible.

Listening carefully for any sound, I hurry to the living room and quickly find my purse. Pulling out my cell phone I call Miroku. After nine rings and no answer I give up. Reluctantly I resort to my second option. This time it only takes three rings and then I'm greeted with a gruff, "Hey?"

"Inuysaha… it's me," despite the effort my voice trembles.

Naturally he notices. "What's wrong?"

"Are you busy right now?"

I could practically hear his frown as he answers, "No. Why? What the hell's going on?"

"I need a ride home. I hate to bother you, I really-"

"Where are you?" He asks, cutting me off impatiently.

"At Suikotsu's apartment," There's a hesitation on his end and I'm not sure I want to know what's going through his mind. Before he can ask what he must be thinking, I explain, "Long story short, we had another fight and he stormed out. I'm not staying here tonight. I tried Miroku but he didn't answer. If you can't come it's okay. I'll call Ayumi."

"Look, I'm coming all right. Don't get your knickers in a twist wench," he grouses mildly, "Just sit tight. I'm on my way."

"Do you know how to get here?"

"Yeah, unfortunately I know where money bags lives. I'll be there in twenty." And with that he ends the call.

* * *

The swanky apartment building is located in the upscale section of downtown. Rather than have Inuyasha go through the process of bypassing the doorman and take the chance of Suikotsu finding out I'd had a male visitor not long after he left, I wait for Inuyasha on the corner. I'm far too shaken and upset to find the strange stares of passers-by remotely amusing, though as disheveled as I must appear I can only imagine what they are thinking.

Of course, the look on Inuysha's face as he takes in my appearance makes me wonder if I should have taken my chances with public transit after all.

"What the fuck happened?" He snarls before I even have the car door all the way open. "You're bleeding…"

I flinch away from the fury that contorts his handsome features into an expression inherently chilling.

"Did he do that? I'll fucking gut the son of a bitch! I swear I'll rip his goddamn head off."

I get in the passenger seat careful to hide my tender cheek. When Inuyasha begins to growl I squeeze my eyes shut in a gesture of frustration. "If you'd chill out for a minute I'll tell you what happened," It is harder to lie if I look at him and his temper is the last thing I'm in the mood to deal with tonight. "Will you drive already."

But the car remains idling at the curb. He doesn't move a muscle as he glares at me out of the corner of his eye, his hands locked in a white knuckled grip around the steering wheel.

I sigh, my hand falling to my lap a I lean my head back and look up to the ceiling. "It was a stupid argument. I was washing a glass and he had me so upset that I dropped it in the sink. I cut myself cleaning it up. No big deal. I don't even need stitches. I just want to go home before he comes back. Please…"

I didn't add that I'd rather not be seen sitting in his car.

"Keh, no stitches? I'll be the judge of that." He says, only slightly mollified by my improvisational lie. I don't resist as he takes my hand and gently pries the towel loose. After a quick examination he grunts, "Not as bad as I thought, considering."

"Yeah well you know me, clumsy with a capitol C." I joke, pulling my hand free of his light grip. It sounds lame even to me. I don't miss his skeptical glance.

"Oi, you sure you want to go home? If your dad sees you looking like that…" He trails off, worried.

"Yeah right," I scoff, "He'll blame me for being obstinate, tell me I should make amends and then insist I beg the ancestors that Suikotsu will take me back even though I don't deserve it because he's been more than patient." I shake my head, flashing him a rueful grin. "On second thought, maybe I won't go home."

If Inuyasha is surprised by what I admit he doesn't show it. Instead he smirks as if he's known my answer all along. "Where to then?"

"Don't know," I shrugged, "Some place quiet."

Nothing more is said as Inuyasha begins to drive. I keep my gaze on the passing street lights, letting my brain soak in the ever changing colors of the city lit up just after dark. It's easier not to think, my insides don't feel quite so jittery if I just watch out of the window and enjoy the silence. And I don't really care about our destination. It's more than enough just to be with him.

He doesn't judge me and even though he worries about me, he doesn't make things worse by sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. He just lets me be myself and that's a comfort I don't get very often.

If I used such comparisons to justify my feelings for Inuyasha then it's easy to see why I crave his presence. He is a good friend, maybe my very best friend. And he's honest. Egotistical, definitely. Rude, sometimes. Hot headed, more than ever. But despite his forgivable flaws, he's real. More real than most of the people I associate with, even more real than my other so-called friends.

The part that isn't so simple goes far deeper than companionship. And still it confuses me because I don't want to care about Inuysaha. I've tried, goodness how I've tried to let the past go. But it seems as if I can't forget that I'd once adored him with all my young heart. And it had been crushed to pieces when he'd left.

Still to this day I don't know the details about what had happened six years ago. Even Miroku won't talk about that night. The little I do know is that it involved the police and two boys in Miroku and Inuysaha's circle of friends had ended up in a juvenile center. My father had been so angry he'd nearly disowned Miroku. Apparently Inuyasha's mother didn't have the same qualms abut her sixteen year old son and had sent him packing to live with his father less than a week later.

After that I hadn't seen Inuyasha again for four years.

At the time I'd been heart broke that he was leaving but I naively assumed he'd keep in touch. When he'd come to my window the night before his morning flight, I'd been ecstatic and had given into his heated attentions without hesitation. I gave him my virginity because I'd thought he loved me. Now I can look back and see our first and only time for what it was. He was driven by hormones and I'd been too willing.

Looking back, I could hardly blame him for taking advantage of the situation. I'd practically thrown myself at him. That was the only time I've completely broken the rules. Of course, at fourteen I'd been convinced I was in love. I refuse to use that excuse now.

But there is no now. He's just one of my best friends. Nothing more.

"You know," I whisper, "I'll hardly see you once I'm married."

He doesn't respond at first. I almost fear he won't comment, but then he sighs, "I kinda figured that."

"Will you miss me?" I ask. A heated blush suffuses my face and I wish more than anything I'd kept my mouth shut. It's a stupid question. It's an answer I'm better off not knowing.

"Yeah." His eyes never stray from the road.

"Poor you. Whatever will you do without me aggravating you all the time?" I quip. It is easier to hide the vulnerability eating at me if I make light of it. I would rather die before admitting that I'll miss him more.

"Guess I'll have to get hitched too," he shoots back, "Kikyou would just love that."

_Stupid! You just had to ask didn't you!_

A horrible feeling settles in my stomach. Suddenly his presence isn't a comfort anymore.

"Are you going to ask her?" The words burn my throat.

He snorts, "Not tonight."

"I'm being serious, are you?"

I watch him intently from the corner of my eye. He's frowning, staring at the road ahead as if it's a complicated maze. All traces of teasing are gone and I can tell my question has unsettled him.

"She's hinted at it…" he admits, obviously choosing his words carefully, "But we… I don't think… it's a good idea. I mean, we fight all the time. And I'm not sure I want that… ya know?" He hesitates, as if debating on saying more, and then growls, "You shouldn't marry him Kagome. I don't like him. Never did. He's not good for you and you're not happy. I don't care how much money he's got, or how many blue-bloods he knows, the douchebag doesn't deserve you. And that's the honest truth so don't get pissed at me for saying it."

"Inuyasha…?"

"What?" He snaps defensively, "I can't pass my goddamn opinion!"

I shake my head, more than a little confused, and look down at the sparkly diamond on my left hand, "I wish it were that simple."

"It is that simple. Give the bastard the ring back. Tell him to shove it up his ass. And that's that. No more money bags." He insists. There's a sharp edge to his words, a note in the clipped way he speaks that hints at something more than just defensiveness. It's more like desperation.

I long to ask him why. Why does he sound so certain? How can he be so sure? It's true, he'd never liked Suikotsu, but no one else seems to share his views. And certainly not about our engagement. Did he feel that way because he was worried? Or was it more…

Was he jealous?

_Don't be an idiot. You're the only one who's jealous and you have no right to be._

I want to hope. Despite everything I want Inuyasha to want me. I want to know that he can't forget the past either. And because I want it, I fear it. He's not free and I refuse to be his distraction. I can't afford to play games with him. There isn't enough of me left intact to even try.

Tracing my fingertip over the glittering diamond, I shiver. Memories of earlier this evening dance in the jewel's surface. I'm bound. There's no getting out of it now.

Unable to hide the defeat creeping into my voice, I don't dare look at Inuyasha as I say, "I think you better bring me home."

* * *

It's getting harder for me to lie to myself. Usually it isn't a problem. What I can't acknowledge I simply omit, even from my own recollections. But the unwelcome conversation with Inuyasha refuses to drift away into the obscure.

He hadn't broached the subject again on rest of the drive to my house. In fact, he'd said nothing more at all and now I wonder if he felt he'd said too much. He'd never spoken so strongly against Suikotsu before, at least not where my future was concerned.

I tell myself it doesn't matter, push the wayward thoughts away and allow myself to recall the pain I'd felt at Inuyasha's absence. And still those foolish little "why's" and "what if's" keep creeping into my awareness undermining my comfortable numbness. I don't want to imagine a different future than one already set for me. Why would I, when I shudder to imagine the future at all?

But I can change it, can't I? That's what Inuyasha was trying to tell me. I can live my own life. I really can.

But to what purpose? Inuyasha will never be a part of my life the way I hopelessly want him to be. At least with the way things stand now I won't be alone.

Besides, Suikotsu would never in a million years allow me to walk away. I'm afraid he might end up really hurting me this time. Is taking that kind of risk worth the possible danger? Then again, how long before his anger goes too far and he ends my wretched existence anyway?

I just don't have the heart to rise above the lie. The truth can hurt far worse than my precious little illusions.

No matter how I look at it, I lose.

* * *

Miroku has eyed me curiously all through dinner. Sometimes I forget that my brother can be exceptionally observant and his curious looks have been grating on my nerves all evening. He and Sango came the house tonight to visit the family and usually it's a non momentous affair but the topic of conversation tonight is my recent engagement and I've been uneasy the whole time.

I thought I was hiding it rather well until I caught Miroku watching me.

When Sango offers to help Mama with the dishes and Dad ushers Souta into the living room to continue going over his homework, Miroku takes me by the arm and leads me outside. We take a seat facing each other, my expression wary and his filled with concern.

"Spill it Sis, what's wrong?"

I feign ignorance. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't bullshit me," he warns in his big brother tone. "The wedding has you upset and I'm worried about you."

I love my brother dearly. I trust him implicitly. The little girl in me wants to cry into his shoulder and tell him everything because he'll make it better just like he used to when we were kids. The adult that I am, however, knows that this is something that I have to keep to myself.

"I'm just overwhelmed, you know. It's a lot to think about," I offer, admitting that partial truth.

"No it's not just the wedding. This has been going on for a while now," he insists, his dark blue eyes flashing, "Whatever is going on, I'm there for you. You can tell me anything."

"I know…" I hate the sting of hot tears that well in my eyes.

"So talk to me," he grins encouragingly.

"I don't love him."

Even as the words leave my lips I feel stark panic overtake me. I hadn't really meant to say that… or maybe I did. I'm scared to say more because I might just confess everything that I've kept bottled up for so long.

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," Miroku says sadly.

"But I should because he's prefect for me," I force out the words, "Everyone knows that."

"Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you don't love him then you shouldn't marry him. It's that simple."

He sounds like Inuyasha and my heart twists painfully. "It's a bit more complicated than that."

"No it's really not. Trust me, it's better to call off the engagement now than to deal with a messy divorce in a few years because you made yourself settle for less," he reasons, thinking of financial and emotional upheaval.

I'm thinking blood and pain.

Suddenly something occurs to me that I'd never really contemplated before. If I told Miroku the truth, if he knew how much Suikotsu had hurt me, he would go after my fiancé. My brother is that loyal and protective. It's not for Suikotsu's sake that I'm afraid, it's Miroku's.

Playing up a different perspective, with a nervous laugh I ask, "Can you imagine the drama that would blow out of proportion if I were to back out now? Not to mention Dad would have a coronary."

"With all due respect, fuck what Dad wants. This is your life. You should make the choices that are best for you."

He makes it seem easy. Even more frightening, he makes the idea feel possible.

"Wow, now you sound like you're quoting a self help book," I tease to diffuse the tension of the conversation.

"Maybe I should write one. Seems like all I do is give advice lately," Miroku chuckles. "Now that I think about it, I had a similar conversation with Inuyasha last week. Apparently he and Kikyou are on the rocks again. I told him the same thing. If you're not happy then find what will make you happy and go for it."

It's none of my business. I shouldn't ask…

"Are they splitting up?"

He shrugs, "Hell if I know. Sometimes I think he really cares about Kikyou but then sometimes I wonder of he's just killing time with her, waiting for something better."

_Killing time and waiting for something better… _Those words don't sit well for a multitude of reasons.

"He told me about the fight you had with Suikotsu and giving you a lift home," Miroku says bringing the subject back full circle, "He's worried about you too."

I don't want to be reminded of Inuyasha's platonic affections. My lips turn down in a sour smile, "I guess we all have our problems to deal with, don't we?"

"Yeah, I suppose," Miroku gives me a pointed glare. "Think about your options okay. You have a lot of people who love you and would back you up in a heartbeat. Do what you need to do, alright."

I nod, but despite Miroku's well-meaning I know that sometimes all the love in the world just isn't enough.

* * *

I receive a text from Inuyasha in the middle of my only class of the day.

_Picking u up. Don't be late._

Instantly I get the feeling that something is wrong and it progressively worsens as the clock ticks away the minutes with exaggerated slowness. I ignore the questioning glances that Yuka casts my way and when the professor finally dismisses the class I gather my things in such a rush that Yuka has to hurry to keep up.

"Slow down, Kagome!" she complains loudly as she meets up with me outside the lecture hall.

"Sorry," I amend, slowing my pace enough for her to walk beside me. "I'm going to pass on coffee today. Something's come up."

"Oh, okay. No big deal," she replies breezily, her expression avidly curious, "Everything alright?"

"Yup." I spot Inuyasha's car idling by the curb and wave her off absently. "I'll catch up with you later."

I climb into the passenger seat and turn my attention from Yuka's suspicious scrutiny to the glowering hanyou sitting beside me. My stomach drops as I take in the way his fists are clenching the steering wheel and his furry ears are flicking back and forth in obvious agitation. The faint growl rumbling in his chest tells me all I needed to know.

Inuyasha is furious.

"Want me to drive?" I ask cautiously.

"No. Buckle up," he snarls as he pulls the car into traffic with a slight squeal of the tires.

I keep quiet and worry my lip between my teeth as a million guesses as to why he's so angry float across my mind. The one common denominator in almost all scenarios is Kikyou.

When he begins taking a back road that leads toward the mountains I finally give in and ask, "So what did she do this time?"

"The goddamn fucking bitch-" he snarls viciously but cuts short to concentrate as he takes a steep curve a bit faster than I'd like. Taking a deep breath he eases off the gas a little as relaxes his death grip on the wheel. "I wasn't going to dump this crap on you. I just need you to keep me company until I calm down so I don't do something stupid."

Neither of us says anything else and after nearly a half an hour of driving Inuyasha stops the car at a tourist rest area that is the central hub for several popular hiking paths. He ignores the people with cameras and fanny-packs milling about and steers me away from the actual trails as we head off into the brush and foliage. There are several spots around the base of this slope that are frequented by the local youth that you won't find on any commercial map but I have a feeling he's just walking aimlessly until we find someplace away from everything.

After a time we finally come to a small outcropping of boulders and bushes that overlook a picturesque view of the city below. I take a seat on one of the rocks and look out over the midday horizon as Inuyasha takes to pacing to relieve his frustration. I wait for him to speak.

"She's been cheating on me."

For a moment I'm stunned, then comes the rush of sympathy at his distress and then the traitorous twinge of hope that he might let her go. I smother the last emotion before I even fully acknowledge it.

"I'm so sorry," I offer gently.

"Feh! I knew something was up. I'm not completely stupid but I guess I didn't think she'd lie to me like that. I mean, if you really give a damn about someone then how can you look that person in the eye and straight up fucking lie?"

I swallow hard thinking of my clever little deceptions and realize that it's not that hard when properly motivated. I feel guilty that he's venting about one lair to another.

I'm careful to keep the waver from my voice and answer as honestly as I dare, "Some people can, I guess. I assume she gave you reasons."

"It's all my fault, of course," he growls harshly, "I took her for granted. I didn't give her enough attention. I didn't want to settle down. The usual bullshit that we fought about. Yet she was the one that didn't want to get a place together. She was the one that kept putting off introducing me to her family." He flops down beside me, his expression a full on pout as he rakes a clawed hand through his messy hair, "It was her fucking idea to take night classes when she knew damn well I fucking work all day, but _I_ never had time for _her_. Is that fucked up or what?"

I give his shoulder a squeeze in a gesture of comfort. "Sounds to me like she was looking for excuses."

He nods, staring at the ground thoughtfully and then huffs, raising his troubled amber gaze to meet mine, "You know what's even more fucked up?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm pissed because she lied and made an ass out of me. But if she'd just sucked it up and said she wanted out I could've respected that. Hell, I would've agreed with her. It wasn't working and we both knew it. But I kept trying because she wanted to. And now I find out it's all been a waste of fucking time."

I understand his sentiment but it would be the ultimate hypocrisy on my part if I were to condemn Kikyou for being a coward when she and I are apparently not so different. Instead of agreeing, I take the masochistic route and hope my voice doesn't betray my bitterness. "If you loved her then it wasn't a complete waste."

"I care about her but it's not love. I thought that maybe with time…" Inuyasha looks away, his own bitterness betrayed in his grimace, "You can't make yourself love someone. Now I know."

I hate the miserable slump of his shoulders and the tiredness seeping into his golden eyes. He seems so much older than his twenty-two years. It's like looking at myself.

Sadly, I admit, "Sometimes I wonder if I know what love is. I thought I did once…" I let the words trail off as his gaze slants back to mine, measuring. Fighting a blush, I tuck my hair behind my ear and muster all my courage to ask, "Have you ever been in love?"

Something crosses his face, an emotion I can almost name, and for some reason it sends my heart racing as his eyes skitter away from my face. "Yeah," he says softly, "Once."

I wish he would look at me again because I need to know what I saw there, lurking in his expression. I need to know because I swear I've seen that look on my own face. "Inuya-"

My cell phone rings interrupting what I was going to say, ruining the moment and my sense of calm as I instantly recognize the ring tone. "It's Suikotsu," I wince apologetically as I extricate the offending phone from my jean pocket. Inuyasha snarls a string of colorful curses and takes to pacing again as I answer reluctantly, "Hello."

"Hey sweetheart," Suikotsu greets pleasantly, "Everything alright?"

"Um, yes… yes I'm fine. What's up?"

He ignores my question. "Where are you?"

A knot of fear begins to curl in my gut. "I'm visiting with a friend."

"Ahh, I see," he replies calmly. Too calmly. "Does this friend have a name?"

It might be better if I don't lie so for once I tell the truth. "I'm with Inuyasha. He and Kikyou are having issues and he needed to talk to someone."

"Oh, well that explains things," he laughs dryly. "See, funny thing is, I ran into Yuka here at the hospital- her father is a colleague of mine if you recall- and she told me you had left the university today in quite a rush and rode off with a strange man. I can see why she would refer to that delinquent as strange."

"You know Yuka exaggerates," I reply lightly, ignoring Inuyasha's offended "I heard that fucker," in the back ground because he can hear every bit of our conversation with his enhanced hearing.

"Yes, but she was right to be concerned. A woman with a fiancé shouldn't be gallivanting around with another man, but we can discuss that in more detail later."

There is a great deal of threat in what he doesn't say and my hands begin to shake. "Okay."

"How much longer will you be occupied? I'm looking forward to seeing you."

Swallowing hard, I acquiesce, "I'll be over in little while, promise."

"Don't keep me waiting, love."

My movements are robotic as I end the call and place the phone back in my pocket. I don't want to think about what Suikotsu is going to do when he gets his hands on me. I can't handle that right now. I have an image to uphold.

Forcing a smile, I look up at Inuyasha only to find him watching me with a worried frown marring his brow and his nose is wrinkled as if he smells something bad. Cocking his head slightly, he demands, "Why do you smell afraid?"

Just like with Miroku, the urge to tell him everything is right there beneath the surface clawing to come out. I know without a doubt I could start at the beginning and let all the poison spill out of me and finally be done with this festering void of lies and hurt that is slowly consuming me. I wonder if he would think less of me for sinking this low. But I know Inuyasha and his only thought would be to protect me.

_Tell him, idiot! Tell him everything…_

But I can't. Inuyasha has enough on his mind with his own problems. I won't become another one, not if I can help it.

"Kagome?"

"I'm fine. I'm not afraid, I'm just worried about you. Are you going to be okay?" I ask out of both genuine concern and a need to redirect his attention.

His intense expression softens at the edges as he sighs, "Keh, I'm not going to cause anyone bodily harm, so yeah, I'll be okay."

"I hate to leave you," I admit ruefully, since Inuyasha doesn't understand the many ways in which I mean that.

"Don't worry about it," he says, brushing off my regret impatiently. "Come on, we don't want to keep money bags waiting."

* * *

**A.N.-** I'm dedicating this chapter to Wenchster. She sent me a nice little pm which in turn prompted me to finally finish this chapter. Thanks honey for being so totally awesome.


	3. Igniting the Soul

**Napalm and Novocain **

By: Lara Winner

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Inuyasha or its characters.

_(Warning_: this story contains scenes of verbal/physical domestic violence)

Chapter 3: Igniting the Soul

My steps are hesitant as I make my way from the elevator down the hall toward Suikotsu's apartment door. There's a sick feeling curling in my stomach because this isn't going to end well. He was too nice on the phone, too in control.

I lift my hand to knock but before my knuckles touch the wood the doors swings wide and there is my fiancé, hair disheveled and still in his hospital scrubs. He smiles, but it's not a nice smile and his eyes are cold and cruel.

"It's been over an hour. Took your sweet time, didn't you?"

"We were in the middle of talking when you called and then there was traffic to contend with but I came as quickly as I could," I try to reason.

"Sure you did," he accuses with a sneer and I gasp in pain when he grasps my upper arm in a tight, bruising squeeze. "Don't fucking lie to me, bitch!"

"Suikotsu… we're in the hallway."

He presses his face close to mine, as if he can intimidate me further by proximity alone. Shaking me hard enough to wrench my shoulder painfully, he hisses through clenched teeth, "Shut the fuck up! I don't give a damn where we are, you will learn your place!"

"Please, you're hurting me," I whimper.

Vaguely, I hear the elevator chime and the doors slowly open.

"You brought this on yourself by whoring around with that filthy half-breed!"

Suikotsu's roar is punctuated by another hard shake and a sharp slap to my cheek. The stinging adds fuel to my growing fear and it's sick and twisted that I'm only too accustomed to this state of anxiety. But my humiliation, on the other hand, is a jagged pill to swallow as it washes over me. I can only imagine how this must look-

"Kagome!"

_Please not him… anyone but him…_

Horrified and shamed, time seems to slow to a crawl as I process what's happening. Inuyasha is standing not twenty feet away looking stunned and holding one of my textbooks, no doubt his reason for happening upon this nasty bit of business. Before I can utter a sound, or Suikotsu can loosen his hold, Inuyasha's face is already morphing into something terrible with red tinged eyes and glistening fangs. My forgotten textbook hits the marble floor with an echoing smack and time explodes in a rushing blur as Suikotsu is ripped away from me and slammed into the wall, Inuyasha holding him suspended off the ground by his throat.

"Are you alright, Kagome?" Inuyasha asks, his voice guttural and distorted through the constant snarl rising from his chest. He doesn't shift his crimson glare from Suikotsu who's face is tuning an alarming shade of purple.

"Yes, I'll be fine, " I vow fervently.

Inuyasha tosses me his keys from over his shoulder. "Go to the car," he commands, "It's going to get messy when I rip this motherfucker's heart out." Cracking his knuckles, he brandishes sharp claws that look as lethal as any knife I've ever seen.

A whole new kind of terror grips me as I realize that Inuyasha is not joking. He's seriously going to commit murder right here, right now. I'm almost afraid to approach him because I've never seen his demon blood so agitated before, but I'm more afraid of what will happen if he carries through with his threat.

Tentatively, I place my hand on his arm in what I hope he interprets as a soothing gesture. "Let him go, Inuyasha."

His snarl grows louder, vibrating his entire torso with the force behind it. He doesn't acknowledge my request.

Desperate, I try again, "Please… please let him go."

For a fraction of a second his eyes flash to mine, then away again as his is blood-thirsty expression is touched with a trace of disbelief. "You're taking up for this douchebag?"

"No, but hurting him is not the answer. There will be consequences," I explain, my heart racing in sheer panic as I frantically voice my most immediate concern, "and I'll never forgive you if you end up in jail for this. He's not worth that." Inuyasha wavers and I plead once more, "Please… I can't stand it if you go away again…"

"Fucking Hell!" he swears viciously and throws Suikotsu to the floor, heaving angry breaths as the crimson slowly bleeds from his eyes.

Clutching his abused neck and coughing, Suikotsu levels us both with a baleful glare and rasps, "Be prepared mutt, you'll be hearing from the police and my lawyer-"

I cry out in alarm as Inuyasha stomps forward and slams a booted foot down on my fiancé's chest, baring his teeth and warning, "The only reason you aren't dead is because of Kagome but don't think for one second that this is over. We'll see how tough you really are when you don't have a woman to knock around." With one last disgusted press of his heel, Inuyasha then grasps my hand tightly and pulls me along with him to the elevator, pausing long enough pick up my discarded textbook as he barks, "Come on Kagome, I'm getting you the hell out of here."

My adrenaline rush quickly begins to drain away once the elevator doors slide closed leaving a slow churning feeling in my stomach. A mortified blush turns my face beet red as Inuyasha forces my chin up and turns my face so he can inspect my still smarting cheek.

"It'll probably bruise," he growls with residual anger.

I nod for lack of a better response, careful not to mention that I've suffered through worse. Unsure of how to articulate everything that I should say, I settle for what's the least complicated. "Thanks for not… you know… killing him and all."

"Keh," Inuyasha huffs in obvious annoyance but I know it's not directed at me when he slings an arm across my shoulders and pulls me close. I lean into him gratefully. There is still a great deal of coiled tension in his muscles and I can feel the vibrations of his subsonic grow, and yet it's strange that I should find Inuyasha's anger comforting when I feared Suikotsu's at every turn.

But I don't need to question it because I know that Inuyasha would never physically hurt me.

Once the anxiety ebbs, I wait to feel something, anything… but a welcome numbness has settled over me. I don't feel relief that the charade is finally over or even a sense of disquiet at having all my lies out in the open. I'm hollow, simply watching out of the passenger window as Inuyasha drives, knowing that at some point the dam will break and the impact will be nothing short of catastrophic.

I feel the first tremor shake the fault line of my apathy as we arrive at the apartment he and Miroku share. The building is familiar and I follow Inuyasha silently as we walk up the two flights of stairs to the second floor. Inanely I take note of the building's slight disrepair though it's nothing that a good pressure wash and new pain job couldn't spruce up. And yet I'd rather be here in the shabbier part of downtown where things are worn but real as opposed to the elegance and pretense I'd just left behind.

The second tremor, this one seeping the urge to cry though the cracks of my shell-shocked state, comes as Inuyasha pounds on the door knocking insistently. A faint "Hold on a damn minute," comes from Miroku's side of the door and Inuyasha bangs on the door harder to express his impatience. "Oi, open up slacker!"

The deadbolt clicks and the door finally swings wide to reveal Miroku, glaring, "What the hell, dude! You have a key-" but his expression becomes startled as he takes in Inuyasha's barely leashed fury and my blank stare. Then he notices my reddened skin and glassy eyes and it's my brother's affectionate concern, overwhelming in its honesty, that cuts straight though to my heart and succeeds in breaking me.

Hot tears spill forth scalding their way down my face as I launch myself at Miroku and cling to him for dear life as two years worth of pent up emotions come pouring out in strangled, wrenching sobs. He holds me tightly, protectively, as he ushers me inside murmuring words of comfort and rubbing my back soothingly. To Inuyasha he asks, "What's going on?'

"The son-of-a-bitch hit her," he growls in reply.

Miroku tenses. "Suikotsu?"

In a colorful tirade of curses and snarls, Inuyasha explains why he picked me up from campus and how I'd accidentally left my textbook in his car and the disturbing scene he'd happened upon in the hallway. By the time Inuyasha's done Miroku's voice is deceptively soft as he says, "I don't care how many lawyers he can afford, he's not getting away with this."

"I was gonna kill him but she wouldn't let me." Inuyasha sulks.

"That was probably for the best," Miroku reasons with a mirthless chuckle. Turning his attention to me, his tone becomes incredibly gentle, "Everything will be alright Kagome. You don't have to be afraid. I swear that bastard will never lay a hand on you again."

"I know," I whisper shakily. With effort, I release my death grip on my brother and try to smile but it's wobbly since the tears just won't stop coming. Still, I scrub at my eyes mumbling, "I'm sorry."

Miroku's brow knits, perplexed. "What on earth for?"

"For being so pathetic," I cry hysterically, and on the heels of that first recrimination comes more that I can't help but let out, "and stupid, and weak, and for lying to everybody for so long and…" this was the hardest to admit, "and for… bringing shame to our family."

"Don't be ridiculous," Miroku scolds tenderly, "It's only a shame that you didn't come to me about this. How long has this been going on?"

"A while," I reluctantly admit.

"He's so fucking dead!" Inuyasha fumes.

I ignore Inuyasha as a new worry occurs to me. Something very similar to dread begins to fill me as I gasp, "Miroku, what am I going to tell Dad?"

"Don't worry about that."

"But you know how he is," I argue between tearful sniffles, "He'll turn this around and make it my fault. He'll say I should have tried harder or something. I can't deal with that right now. I just can't."

Miroku gives me another reassuring squeeze before he takes me by the shoulders and gently sets me away from him so he can meet my eyes. "I'll deal with Dad. He may be old school and a way too traditional sometimes but he'll understand. In fact I'm going to go over there now and talk to him. You are going to crash here for the time being. You've got some important decisions to make and I'm pretty sure it'll be easier if you don't have Mom and Dad hovering over you every second."

"You can take my room," Inuyasha offers gruffly.

"But I don't want to impose-" I start to object but he cuts me off in his usual overbearing way.

"Don't be stupid! I'll take the couch, and Miroku's right, you'll need space to think things through and this is the safest place to do it."

Inuyasha is glaring at me but I can see the worry that's making him bristle and it's just as strong as the indignation he feels for my situation. His level of affection may not be what I secretly wish for but I am damn lucky that he cares about me as much as he does. It would be an insult to keep arguing so I let him have his way and coddle me in his own surly fashion.

"Alright," I concede with a watery laugh and swipe at my eyes once more. I'm pretty sure I look like a raccoon with mascara smeared everywhere. I've probably never looked worse. And yet there is a certain gratification in knowing that I don't have to be perfect and in control. I can let them see how broken I am and they don't judge me. They only want to help me pick up the pieces.

The relief is sharp and painfully sweet. Maybe that's why I can't seem to stop crying.

After a shower and a nap, I'm finally out of tears. I can't say I feel better but the sate I'm in now is certainly an improvement over the emotional wreck I was three hours ago. The fact that Sango and I are bonding over cookie dough ice cream may also have something to do with my stability.

"So what are you going to do now?" she asks before consuming another spoonful of the yummy sugary goodness.

I dig around a bit with my spoon and fish out a hunk of cookie dough. "I'm ending things with Suikotsu," I say and it isn't until I hear the words spoken and acknowledged that I feel a surge of confidence to support my decision. "This is my one shot at taking my life back."

"I'm relieved to hear you say that. I was afraid you would want to give him another chance," she replies somberly.

With just Sango and I here in the apartment I feel I can tell her things that I couldn't say to my brother and Inuyasha. As dear as they are sometimes you need another female to relate to you. I take another bite of ice cream and let it dissolve on my tongue as I phrase what I want to say carefully.

"I've given him a thousand chances. He's hurt me too much. I think I could have really loved him back in the beginning. He was a nice guy and he treated me like I was something special. But then it changed. Every now and then he would lose his temper and say mean things. He would always apologize after. He would seem so sincere," I chuckled ruefully. "He would buy me something as if that just magically made everything better. I was foolish for believing it but I guess I wanted to see the best in him. I didn't want to admit that I was in over my head.

"Of course it wasn't long until he would get mad, say horrible things and then he'd leave bruises. And yet I still couldn't look at the situation and see it for what it was. I couldn't admit that I was one of those women you hear about, you know? The ones everyone says are stupid for staying and they ask for it. I refused to see it like that. I kept telling myself that it would get better or if I just tried harder that I could be a better girlfriend.

"I don't know when I realized that it wasn't going to change. I don't even know when I stopped caring. It was just so hard to say something. I didn't want pity and I sure as hell didn't want anyone to think less of me," I whisper unable to look up, afraid of what I might find in Sango's expression. I've always admired her independent nature and take charge attitude. I wish I was more like her.

"Oh honey," she sighs sympathetically, the genuine warmth in her tone is encouraging, "We would never blame you. I won't say I understand because I've never been in that position but I will say that I'm proud of you for deciding to go after something better. You deserve that and no one should ever make you feel otherwise."

I offer her a small but real smile. "That's the part I need to work on. I know I should focus on pleasing myself but I've never done that before. I always try to make everyone else happy."

"I'm going to pass my opinion and feel free to tell me to shut up if I offend you. I've noticed that you never stand up for yourself. I remember this one time, not long after Miroku and I started dating, that you were trying to talk your dad into letting you take a summer creative writing course. He shot you down saying that it was a waste of time since it wouldn't count toward your high school credits. I could tell how excited you were about it but the minute he said no you didn't put up a fight. You just sucked it up and let it go. I remember thinking to myself that, if it were me and my dad, I would have argued until he agreed just to shut me up. You're kind hearted and while that's not at all a bad thing, it's also not good to be too complacent. Sometimes you have to say "Fuck it! I'm doing it my way!" and to hell with anyone who has a problem with it."

"You're absolutely right," I grimace. "Even now I'm majoring in Early Childhood Education because it's what Dad and Suikotsu agreed I should do. I never contemplated anything else."

Sango watches me incredulously. "You've seriously never had the urge to rebel? Not even a little?"

"I've wanted to but… well, except for that one time-" I stop abruptly as I realize what I almost let slip.

Sango's disbelief turns into raging curiosity as she grins, "There's a story there. Start talking."

I debate for all of two seconds before I decide to tell her everything. Unlike my school friends who are well-meaning but frivolous, Sango is more like the sister I never had. We've always been close and have gotten along well. If there is one person I could vent to about my feelings for Inuyasha it would be Sango.

"Okay, what I'm going to tell you I have never told anyone else. _Ever_," I stress in all seriousness. She nods and I take a deep breath, "Inuyasha and I sort of dated a little when we were younger. I say 'sort of' because we kept it a secret and never told anyone. My Dad would have grounded me for life if it had gotten back to him."

Sango doesn't look surprised, just eager to hear more. "So what happened?"

"He got sent to live with his Dad. We didn't see each other for years. When he moved back I was already with Suikotsu."

"Well that explains a lot," Sango says, more to herself than to me. Her grin sharpens as she asks, "You never did get over him did you?"

I literally feel the blood drain from my face. "Is it that obvious?"

"No, nothing like that," she hastens to reassure me, "It's just that I've noticed the way you two look at each other sometimes and I always suspected there was more to it."

I try to sound nonchalant as I ask, "Has he ever said anything?"

"Other than how much he despises Suikotsu and wishes many painful deaths upon his person? No. But this is Inuyasha we're talking about, he isn't exactly the type to verbalize his sentimental feelings," she pointed out.

I give a half-hearted laugh and take bite of ice cream.

"I do know that Kikyou is jealous of you."

And I promptly choke.

"Goodness is she ever," Sango chuckles mischievously, "She hates it when he talks about you. I don't know if he's ever made the connection."

"But… why… would she be jealous… of me?" I ask in between coughing.

"Because I'm not the only one who's noticed that he cares about you. I think she feels threatened since you two have known each other most of your lives, like there's history there that she can't compete with," she shrugs.

Since I've already said this much figure I may as well go all the way.

"Kikyou isn't entirely wrong," I admit with a blush, "Inuyasha was my first."

Sango's eyes widen. "First as in… sex?"

I nod as snippets of that night come to mind.

_Soft knocking at my window. Quiet movements as he climbed in. The stricken look on his face just before he kissed me. The way his arms held me too tightly…_

"It was the night before he left to stay with his Dad. He didn't have any warning. Suddenly his mom tells him he's flying out in the morning so he came over and snuck into my room to break the news to me.

_The pathetic whine in my voice as I asked him not to go. The way his voice wavered as he begged me not to cry. Then he kissed me again and it was laced with salt…_

"I loved him, well as much as you can love anyone at fourteen. It felt like I couldn't breathe when he said he had to leave. I was so angry and hurt because I was so afraid I'd never see him again.

_More kisses. Softly whispered promises. His eyes burning so brightly in the darkness, so wrecked yet so alive. I pulled off my shirt. He whimpered and said I was pretty. His hands were a little too rough but I only pulled him closer…_

"He'd never had sex before either. It was awkward and rushed and we were half afraid we'd get caught any moment. I guess for us it was a prefect way to say goodbye. I wanted something to remember and he gave me what he could.

_Heartbreak crushed my chest as he pulled his shirt over his head and slipped on his sneakers. His hands cupped my face as he looked me in the eye and promised to call or something. Quick press of his lips to my brow, gentle and final. Then he was gone as quickly as he'd arrived…_

"And that was that. The first and only time I ever did something I wasn't supposed to and it broke my heart." I explain blinking the moisture from my eyes.

"And you still love him," she sighs sounding a little bummed. "I'm not going to make assumptions as to how he feels but I definitely think you should talk about it one day. Sounds to me like you never got closure, one way or the other."

I stab my spoon at the ice cream wondering if that's why we've never talked about it. Besides the fact that we were both with other people, talking about it would have meant finally putting everything in the past. I know Sango's right. One day Inuyasha and I will have to discuss everything, even if means burning old bridges.

I need a new lease on life. I need to move forward. I just hope that when all is said and done Inuyasha and I will at least remain friends.

**A.N.-** This fic is kinda stuck in my head at the moment so I've been working on it when I have the time. I hope this chapter sheds a little more light onto the feelings Kagome struggles with and why she handles things with Suikotsu the way she does. I hope this also clears up any questions about her residual feelings for Inuyasha.

Thanks for reading and keep in mind that the more feedback I get the more inclined I am to write.

Reviews + Me = Complete Story.

No Reviews + Me = Discontinued Story.

It's elementary, my dear readers. (Yes, I watched Sherlock Holmes last night…)


End file.
